#6: How To Spell Simple Shit

"Where" is asking about a location
"We're" is the contraction for "we are"
"Were" is NOT the same as "where" or "we're"

"To" is NOT the same as "too"... which is the same as "also"

It's not "wen" - it's "when"

It's not "wat" - it's "what"

"You're" is the contraction for "you are"
"Your" means "it belongs to you"
"Ur" is neither of those things

It's spelled "definItely" - No, there is NOT an "A" in that word.

"There" is NOT the same as "their"... which means "belonging to them"

"Whose" is NOT the same as "who's"... which is the contraction for "who is"

For example: "There's definitely no reason for their poor grammar. Where did they go to school? Maybe their attention span was too short in English class. Were they not in class? Sometimes I think, 'Your text message makes me wonder if you're even looking at the buttons when you type.'"

And if you enjoyed that, you might think about "liking" this on FB: http://xrl.us/bhywee

#2: We're All A Bunch Of Fakes

I can see how easy it could be to take offense to the title of this post. And for those of you that WERE offended, I'm sorry, and fuck you. But really...I can't possibly think of ONE person that I see on a regular/daily basis that isn't somewhat modified.

When I say the word "fake" I don't necessarily mean "phony" or "fraudful." I mean "not real." Not true. Think about it. How much shit does it take to make "YOU?" I can list 13 cosmetic products that prove this point just for me. Now, a good way to prove it would be to post a picture of me all "dolled-up" and a picture of me "looking crap" to show the subtle/not-so-subtle differences. And I'm a guy! Think about what girls use!

For instance, this is what makes me, ME everyday:
1) Toothpaste - so my teeth don't fall out and I don't have bad breath.
2) Pro-health mouthwash - so my toofuses get clean
3) Minty mouthwash - so my toofuses smell clean
4) Anti-perspirant - so my pits don't stink
5) Astringent - so my face doesn't get blackheads
6) Face/Body lotion - 'Cause my skin can get kinda dry and I like it smooth
7) Shaving cream - to keep my face nice and smooth
8) Red-eye reliever - so the alcohol and dry contact-eyes don't show
9) Contact lenses/solution - so I can see and not have dry contacts in my eyes
10) Hair stuff - because I've got a lot of thick and voluminous hair
11) Lip balm - so I don't have dry lips
12) Sinus spray - so I'm not a mouth-breather
13) Cologne - so my scent is appealing

And this is where I ask: What the fuck?

Imagine what I'd be without all that? A toothless, bad-breath having, stinky, blackhead/pimple-ridden, dry-skinned, hairy-faced, drunk-looking, blind, fro-haired, crispy-lipped, mouth-breathing, unappealingly scented jerk.

And you would too. But we can't look ugly, and that would be completely unacceptable even IF it WERE acceptable! So put that in YOUR pipe and smoke it. And I would really like to hear how "fake" anyone else is willing to admit they are. I will say though, I'm very glad we're all sorta fake because otherwise, it'd be a severely ugly world.

Time to get better at what I'm good at. See you soon.

#1: Stage Names / Allah Smotherous

First post here on this new thing. Enjoy.

Today I thought about Emilio Estevez. Yeah, I can't figure out why either. I've never been a fan of his. I've only seen him in was The Breakfast Club and maybe five minutes of Men At Work. I then recalled how Charlie Sheen was in that movie and how HIS career seems to be doing okay. Then I remembered...that they're brothers. Martin Sheen shot both Emilio and Charlie out of his pee-pee.

So then I start wondering who changed their name. Thinking Emilio changed it because Estevez seemed strangely catchy. And I was wrong. It was the others.

Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez fathered Emilio and Carlos Irwin Estévez. Ramon took the name Martin Sheen because he expected a better reception for an Irish name than a Hispanic name. Carlos Irwin later changed his name to Charlie Sheen.

Then I started thinking about all the other stage names out there and why those names were chosen. The Screen Actors Guild doesn not allow two actors to have the same name. For instance, Batman, was played by Michael Douglas, who had to change his name to Michael Keaton. Why Keaton? He admired Diane Keaton, who changed her name from Diane Hall.

Possible discrimination is another reason to change names. Farrokh Bulsara wanted to hide his heritage. So he changed his name to Freddie Mercury. Natalie Portman was Natalie Hershlag. Hershlag sounds like it might taste good. Whatever it is.

(Side-thought: Two famous people get married, both have stage names, what names do THEY call each other by?)

I doubt Maurice Joseph Micklewhite's career would've taken off as it did, or would've ever become everyone's favorite butler (no, not Mr. Belvedere) if he hadn't changed his name to Michael Caine. He changed his name to Michael because he preferred the sound of it. The last name came to him suddenly when pressured to come up with his stage name. He looked at a movie poster and that was it. The Caine Mutiny was in theaters at the time. "Had I looked the other direction," he later said, "I'd be known as Michael The One Hundred and One Dalmatians."

So I've decided that I'm going to change my name and hopefully my career will take off. Allah Smotherous (or maybe Cringlebert Fistcheebuns). That's got a nice ring to it. Yes...it's all coming together. Here's a list of other stage names and their former with a nice "stage name clip" for Engelbert Humperdinck:

Woody Allen - Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Jennifer Aniston - Jennifer Anastassakis
Pat Benatar — Patricia Mae Andrzejewski
Frank Black — Charles Michael Kitridge Thompson IV
Michael Ian Black — Michael Schwarz
Jon Bon Jovi — John Francis Bongiovi
Bono — Paul David Hewson
David Bowie — David Robert Jones
Charles Bronson — Charles Buchinski
Mel Brooks — Melvin Kaminsky
Nicolas Cage — Nicholas Kim Coppola...yes, that COPPOLA
Vikki Carr - Florencia Bisenta de Casillas Martinez Cardona
Chevy Chase — Cornelius Crane Chase
Patsy Cline — Virginia Patterson Hensley
Elvis Costello - Declan Patrick McManus
Vin Diesel — Mark Vincent
Carmen Electra — Tara Leigh Patrick (What did Dave Navarro call her?)
Flavor Flav — William Drayton
Edward Furlong - Edward Walter Torres
Whoopi Goldberg — Caryn Elaine Johnson
MC Hammer — Stanley Kirk Burrell
Benny Hill - Alfred Hawthorn Hill
Bob Hope — Leslie Townes Hope
Engelbert Humperdinck — Arnold George Dorsey
Billy Idol — William Michael Albert Broad
Jenna Jameson — Jennifer Marie Massoli
Sir Elton John — Reginald Kenneth Dwight
Ashley Judd - Ashley Tyler Ciminella
Bruce Lee — Lee Jun-fan
Huey Lewis — Hugh Anthony Cregg III
Chuck Norris — Carlos Ray Norris
Ozzy Osbourne — Jonathan Michael Osborne
Lou Diamond Phillips — Louis Upchurch
Seal — Sealhenry Olusegun Olumide Samuel
Shaggy — Orville Richard Burrell
Sisqó — Mark Althavan Andrews
Nikki Sixx — Frank Carlton Serafino Ferrana
Ringo Starr — Richard Starkey
Shania Twain — Eilleen Regina Edwards
Eddie Vedder — Edward Louis Seversen III
Dita Von Teese — Heather Sweet
Christopher Walken - Ronald Walken (!)
Gene Wilder - Jerome Silberman
Stevie Wonder - Steveland Hardaway Judkins

Yeah, Allah Smotherous works.