#5: Why Don't I Know Anything About Ranch?

There aren't many things in the "Favorites Folder" of my life that have to do with food, but Ranch is one of them. And yes, I'm going to capitalize Ranch because it deserves it. The only problem for me is, I'm lactose intolerant (which deserves its own god damn capitalization but I refuse...that damn bastard.) I do what I can to enjoy it, and I don't care if it hurts. I love Ranch. And I love lamp. But I don't really know much about it except for the fact that I'll eat it with anything. So let's go briefly into the world of Ranch shall we?

In 1954 Steve and Gayle Henson opened Hidden Valley Ranch in California and sold a special dressing to their guests and after people started pouring it all over their salads, steaks and children Steve and Gayle began to bottle it and later opened a factory to produce little packets. In 1972, Clorox bought then out for $8 million, which if you as me, isn't a fair price for the power of Ranch. In 1983 they produced a non-refrigerated bottle formulation which I probably would never touch 'cause that just sounds dangerous.

clorox owns the rights to the formula and the brand which is why you see shit like "House Dressing" and "Buttermilk Dressing" since that avoids copyright infringement.

Here's how to make Ranch:

1 cup mayonnaise
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp. parsley flakes
1 tsp. garlic salt
1/4 tsp. Accent
1/8 tsp. pepper

Mix it together and pour it on something.

And here's a picture of a lot of Ranch.



I hope you enjoyed all this Ranchformation. Now, I'm now going to bathe in Ranch and probably rinse off with Ranch and then make love to Ranch. Ranch.