#6: How To Spell Simple Shit

"Where" is asking about a location
"We're" is the contraction for "we are"
"Were" is NOT the same as "where" or "we're"

"To" is NOT the same as "too"... which is the same as "also"

It's not "wen" - it's "when"

It's not "wat" - it's "what"

"You're" is the contraction for "you are"
"Your" means "it belongs to you"
"Ur" is neither of those things

It's spelled "definItely" - No, there is NOT an "A" in that word.

"There" is NOT the same as "their"... which means "belonging to them"

"Whose" is NOT the same as "who's"... which is the contraction for "who is"

For example: "There's definitely no reason for their poor grammar. Where did they go to school? Maybe their attention span was too short in English class. Were they not in class? Sometimes I think, 'Your text message makes me wonder if you're even looking at the buttons when you type.'"

And if you enjoyed that, you might think about "liking" this on FB: http://xrl.us/bhywee

#5: Why Don't I Know Anything About Ranch?

There aren't many things in the "Favorites Folder" of my life that have to do with food, but Ranch is one of them. And yes, I'm going to capitalize Ranch because it deserves it. The only problem for me is, I'm lactose intolerant (which deserves its own god damn capitalization but I refuse...that damn bastard.) I do what I can to enjoy it, and I don't care if it hurts. I love Ranch. And I love lamp. But I don't really know much about it except for the fact that I'll eat it with anything. So let's go briefly into the world of Ranch shall we?

In 1954 Steve and Gayle Henson opened Hidden Valley Ranch in California and sold a special dressing to their guests and after people started pouring it all over their salads, steaks and children Steve and Gayle began to bottle it and later opened a factory to produce little packets. In 1972, Clorox bought then out for $8 million, which if you as me, isn't a fair price for the power of Ranch. In 1983 they produced a non-refrigerated bottle formulation which I probably would never touch 'cause that just sounds dangerous.

clorox owns the rights to the formula and the brand which is why you see shit like "House Dressing" and "Buttermilk Dressing" since that avoids copyright infringement.

Here's how to make Ranch:

1 cup mayonnaise
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp. parsley flakes
1 tsp. garlic salt
1/4 tsp. Accent
1/8 tsp. pepper

Mix it together and pour it on something.

And here's a picture of a lot of Ranch.



I hope you enjoyed all this Ranchformation. Now, I'm now going to bathe in Ranch and probably rinse off with Ranch and then make love to Ranch. Ranch.

#4: Why Can't Restaurants Make Decent Nachos?

Nachos is one of my favorite dishes but I can never find a good plate of nachos. Now, I don't mean that it sucks or tastes bad, but I mean they're not made the way they should be. For example, when I get nachos, obviously I'm going to eat all the good shit on top. But when I do that, it's gone, and then I'm left with a shitty pile of chips.

What needs to be done, is food on the bottom layer of nachos. Cover all the chips with that shit and then pile more chips on then top it off with all the good stuff. Example below:



For building purposes, I'll start from the bottom. First, you need a plate. This is a red plate. Maybe I borrowed it from your mother. Second, chips. 'Cause you can't make nachos without chips. This is where it gets tricky. Start putting stuff on the chips. Cheese, beans, chicken, whatever. THEN...then, more chips, and then all the stuff you were gonna put on top of the nachos from the start. I've added jalapenos to my diagram, because I'm spicy like that and I want you to know that. But you know what I haven't added to my diagram? Onions. 'Cause onions fucking suck.

And now you know what you've got? Not nachos and chips afterward...but you've got some damn good nachos to last you until your stomach rips open.

So listen up, restaurants. Jerks. Now make me some good nachos!

#3: Celebrity Dudes I'd Like To Have A Drink With

So, I was talking about this the other day with a friend of mine and then I started thinking about the guys I'd like to have a drink with. So here's my short list. And in no way is this a man-crush type thing either. Weirdos.

Keifer Sutherland
I just want to party with him. So it wouldn't be just a drink. It'd be a couple shots of Jack and probably beer and 151 and us messing each other's hair up from being stupid rowdy. And then he'd drop his pants, and I'd get weirded out and realize I probably shouldn't have partied with him.

J.J. Abrams
This guy has a lot of cool stuff going on in his mind. Really into mystery. I have a feeling that drink would last about 5 seasons and then I'd finally get the point of it. But I'd like to talk creativity with him. He's a really smart guy. And see if he'd let me be in Cloverfield 2. Because if he did, then that must mean that I have to save Beth, 'cause yes, she's still alive. For me.

Robert DeNiro
This guy has been an hero of mine for a very, very long time. I think just a nice casual chat about bullshit would be good enough for me. This has "chance meeting" written all over it. I can't really see myself making plans to have a drink with DeNiro. The only thing I can see myself planning with him is a staring contest. A frowned staring contest.

Conan O'Brien
What a riot this would be. Lots of laughing and staring at each other. Similar to Robert DeNiro, but more intense. WAY more intense. I wonder if he'd let me touch his hair. Or maybe, he'll let me pull it across my upper lip so I can sport the "Moustache O'Brien."

George Clooney
The dude is THE MAN. He's probably the only celebrity now that I'd buy a drink. Although I DID buy Sparta's lead singer Jim Ward a drink. But that was before I knew the REAL power behind buying someone a drink. I think I'd like to pick up on some of Clooney's coolness. But how? Do I have to smell an armpit? Suck a toe? Sip from his glass? Eat his heart? Eh. Time will tell.

Michael Ian Black
Here's another hilarious mother fucker. Him and I have a similar sense of humor. Especially with the sarcasm. So I think that'd be a lot of fun. Although I know if people saw us together, they'd think we were lovers. And that's not cool, man. Not. Cool. Unless we WERE lovers. But we're totally not. Like, totally.

Christopher Walken
I don't even want this man to give me a chance to speak. If he asked me something, I'd quickly answer and ask him something else just to hear his weirdo accent. "MEee? What...would IIIII like...to drink,... Hmm. So many...decisions. I'LL have a Greyhound. Eeeasy on the GRAPEfruit. It MAY be...too bitter...for MYyyy mood...at the moment."

And I would just stare.

#2: We're All A Bunch Of Fakes

I can see how easy it could be to take offense to the title of this post. And for those of you that WERE offended, I'm sorry, and fuck you. But really...I can't possibly think of ONE person that I see on a regular/daily basis that isn't somewhat modified.

When I say the word "fake" I don't necessarily mean "phony" or "fraudful." I mean "not real." Not true. Think about it. How much shit does it take to make "YOU?" I can list 13 cosmetic products that prove this point just for me. Now, a good way to prove it would be to post a picture of me all "dolled-up" and a picture of me "looking crap" to show the subtle/not-so-subtle differences. And I'm a guy! Think about what girls use!

For instance, this is what makes me, ME everyday:
1) Toothpaste - so my teeth don't fall out and I don't have bad breath.
2) Pro-health mouthwash - so my toofuses get clean
3) Minty mouthwash - so my toofuses smell clean
4) Anti-perspirant - so my pits don't stink
5) Astringent - so my face doesn't get blackheads
6) Face/Body lotion - 'Cause my skin can get kinda dry and I like it smooth
7) Shaving cream - to keep my face nice and smooth
8) Red-eye reliever - so the alcohol and dry contact-eyes don't show
9) Contact lenses/solution - so I can see and not have dry contacts in my eyes
10) Hair stuff - because I've got a lot of thick and voluminous hair
11) Lip balm - so I don't have dry lips
12) Sinus spray - so I'm not a mouth-breather
13) Cologne - so my scent is appealing

And this is where I ask: What the fuck?

Imagine what I'd be without all that? A toothless, bad-breath having, stinky, blackhead/pimple-ridden, dry-skinned, hairy-faced, drunk-looking, blind, fro-haired, crispy-lipped, mouth-breathing, unappealingly scented jerk.

And you would too. But we can't look ugly, and that would be completely unacceptable even IF it WERE acceptable! So put that in YOUR pipe and smoke it. And I would really like to hear how "fake" anyone else is willing to admit they are. I will say though, I'm very glad we're all sorta fake because otherwise, it'd be a severely ugly world.

Time to get better at what I'm good at. See you soon.

#1: Stage Names / Allah Smotherous

First post here on this new thing. Enjoy.

Today I thought about Emilio Estevez. Yeah, I can't figure out why either. I've never been a fan of his. I've only seen him in was The Breakfast Club and maybe five minutes of Men At Work. I then recalled how Charlie Sheen was in that movie and how HIS career seems to be doing okay. Then I remembered...that they're brothers. Martin Sheen shot both Emilio and Charlie out of his pee-pee.

So then I start wondering who changed their name. Thinking Emilio changed it because Estevez seemed strangely catchy. And I was wrong. It was the others.

Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez fathered Emilio and Carlos Irwin Estévez. Ramon took the name Martin Sheen because he expected a better reception for an Irish name than a Hispanic name. Carlos Irwin later changed his name to Charlie Sheen.

Then I started thinking about all the other stage names out there and why those names were chosen. The Screen Actors Guild doesn not allow two actors to have the same name. For instance, Batman, was played by Michael Douglas, who had to change his name to Michael Keaton. Why Keaton? He admired Diane Keaton, who changed her name from Diane Hall.

Possible discrimination is another reason to change names. Farrokh Bulsara wanted to hide his heritage. So he changed his name to Freddie Mercury. Natalie Portman was Natalie Hershlag. Hershlag sounds like it might taste good. Whatever it is.

(Side-thought: Two famous people get married, both have stage names, what names do THEY call each other by?)

I doubt Maurice Joseph Micklewhite's career would've taken off as it did, or would've ever become everyone's favorite butler (no, not Mr. Belvedere) if he hadn't changed his name to Michael Caine. He changed his name to Michael because he preferred the sound of it. The last name came to him suddenly when pressured to come up with his stage name. He looked at a movie poster and that was it. The Caine Mutiny was in theaters at the time. "Had I looked the other direction," he later said, "I'd be known as Michael The One Hundred and One Dalmatians."

So I've decided that I'm going to change my name and hopefully my career will take off. Allah Smotherous (or maybe Cringlebert Fistcheebuns). That's got a nice ring to it. Yes...it's all coming together. Here's a list of other stage names and their former with a nice "stage name clip" for Engelbert Humperdinck:

Woody Allen - Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Jennifer Aniston - Jennifer Anastassakis
Pat Benatar — Patricia Mae Andrzejewski
Frank Black — Charles Michael Kitridge Thompson IV
Michael Ian Black — Michael Schwarz
Jon Bon Jovi — John Francis Bongiovi
Bono — Paul David Hewson
David Bowie — David Robert Jones
Charles Bronson — Charles Buchinski
Mel Brooks — Melvin Kaminsky
Nicolas Cage — Nicholas Kim Coppola...yes, that COPPOLA
Vikki Carr - Florencia Bisenta de Casillas Martinez Cardona
Chevy Chase — Cornelius Crane Chase
Patsy Cline — Virginia Patterson Hensley
Elvis Costello - Declan Patrick McManus
Vin Diesel — Mark Vincent
Carmen Electra — Tara Leigh Patrick (What did Dave Navarro call her?)
Flavor Flav — William Drayton
Edward Furlong - Edward Walter Torres
Whoopi Goldberg — Caryn Elaine Johnson
MC Hammer — Stanley Kirk Burrell
Benny Hill - Alfred Hawthorn Hill
Bob Hope — Leslie Townes Hope
Engelbert Humperdinck — Arnold George Dorsey
Billy Idol — William Michael Albert Broad
Jenna Jameson — Jennifer Marie Massoli
Sir Elton John — Reginald Kenneth Dwight
Ashley Judd - Ashley Tyler Ciminella
Bruce Lee — Lee Jun-fan
Huey Lewis — Hugh Anthony Cregg III
Chuck Norris — Carlos Ray Norris
Ozzy Osbourne — Jonathan Michael Osborne
Lou Diamond Phillips — Louis Upchurch
Seal — Sealhenry Olusegun Olumide Samuel
Shaggy — Orville Richard Burrell
Sisqó — Mark Althavan Andrews
Nikki Sixx — Frank Carlton Serafino Ferrana
Ringo Starr — Richard Starkey
Shania Twain — Eilleen Regina Edwards
Eddie Vedder — Edward Louis Seversen III
Dita Von Teese — Heather Sweet
Christopher Walken - Ronald Walken (!)
Gene Wilder - Jerome Silberman
Stevie Wonder - Steveland Hardaway Judkins

Yeah, Allah Smotherous works.